i'm finally over it, and i want the world to know.

i don't want to get into too many details here, but i'm finally over it. i've finally grown up. i've finally began to trust. it was in my face last night and i didn't even care. i really didn't. she called once. she called again. and for only a split second did i care, and then i didn't. i've finally realized how lucky he is. i've realized that i'm a good catch. i've realized that he loves me and looks at me like no one has ever looked at me. i know this is so vague, but my close friends will know what i'm talking about. thank you for all the support. it's been a rough road and it took me nearly two years, but the important thing is that i'm happy, content, i trust and i just don't care about the small stuff:)

actually, i'd prefer my cheese room temperature thank you

most of you already know i'm strange when it comes to my eating habits (see flat sprite post) but today i realized i like string cheese a little on the warm side. usually i just bring in a string cheese to work and wait a few hours and eat it. it's not cold anymore and i kind of like that. but today i put it in the fridge. at 10:40 i went to get it and enjoy it's cheesy goodness, but i didn't like it as much as i would have thought. i shall keep my cheese a little warm from here on.

just in time

i've been really down about work these days. feeling kind of worthless so to say. i came across my old friend's blog and she had this prayer posted. it's amazing how remembering there is someone watching over me makes things so much brighter. thanks jill!

O Lord, I remember before you
All the workers of the world;
Workers with hand or brain;
Workers in cities or in fields;
Those who go forth to toil
And those who keep house;
Those who command and those who obey;
Thsoe whose work is dangerous;
Those who work is monotonous and mean;
Those who can find no work to do;
Those whose work is in the service of the poor
Or the healing of the sick
Or the proclaiming of the gospel of Christ
At home or in foreign places. Amen.

leona lewis equals awesome

this is just my shout out to the world to leona lewis. i swear i don't watch american idol on a regular basis, but i heard she was performing so i had to tune in. the girl is amazing. her voice gave me goosebumps. i realize most people think pop music is crap, but this chick has some fierce talent. this blog is dumb, sorry.

snake, snake, ohhhh it's real big!

so far since living in south florida, i have had an encounter with an iguana, a big bird, a turtle and now, snakes. long story short. i almost stepped on one the other day and it freaked out and almost killed me. ok, not really, but i did almost step on it. i hate exotic animals and my prediction is that i will encounter a parrot next.

title taken from www.badgerbadgerbadger.com

i can has cheezburger?

i freaking love the site http://icanhascheezburger.com

rest in peace dear turtle i never knew

you would think my luck would start to change with the animals here in south florida. well you thought wrong. as i was pulling out of my work building to go home for lunch i notice a good sized turtle in the middle of the road. i attempt to think quick, put my hand on my car door to jump out and bring the turtle to safety, i didn't think quick enough. a car comes flying out of no where and SMASH! turtle in half. yes, i screamed, yes, i'm already having anxiety issues today and yes i think i almost experienced a heart attack. rest in peace turty the turtle, i'm sorry i didn't move faster for you.

Pediatric gynecologists, no longer just a trivia night team name.

i believe this needs no words.
http://www.texaschildrenshospital.com/CareCenters/Gynecology/Default.aspx

When goldfish crumble, it looks like fish food.

Coincidence? I think not. Ok, I really don’t know. I just thought it was interesting. I have an obsession with flavor blasted goldfish. I bring a little baggy with me everyday to work and around 10:30 I tear into them. I’ve noticed lately that the broken crumbs on the bottom look just like fish food. It’s weird. Does fish food taste this delicious? Because if it does, I’m gonna start eating that. It might help with my diet since these yummy FBGF (flavor blasted goldfish) aren’t helping me lose those two pounds I wanted to this week. That is all.

my recent, not-so-secret obsession with stale peeps and semi-flat sprite. (dated 3.26.08)

i love stale peeps and semi-flat sprite. the peeps thing i kind of already knew, but the sprite situation came to me last night after i picked one up and drove to tyler’s softball game. i opened it expecting it to be as dee-lish as the last sprite i drank that sat in the fridge for a day and a half. nope, it wasn’t. it was extremely carbonated and tingled my nose. now, i feel that sprite is one of the more useless pops/sodas/cokes (this makes no sense by the way, it’s a sprite, not a coke). anyhow, there’s no caffeine. i only drink pop/soda/coke because it gives me a little energy, but i just like the way sprite tastes better than other colored beverages (i am aware that that was semi-racist towards colored beverages, i apologize, i swear, i have a lot of colored beverage friends). ok, i lost track, but it comes down to the fact that flat sprite tastes sweeter and better. and i think sprite owes me at least that much. i’m not getting my daily allowance of caffeine from it, so it better taste good. so, from now on i will purchase my sprite, open it and leave it in the fridge overnight. that is all. p.s. un-stale peeps are just unamerican and i have no idea what cantankerous means and i guarantee the emoticon will not clear that situation up for me.

an iguana, a big white bird and a disgruntled south florida resident. (dated 2.5.08)

i'm not going to go into the long story about the iguana that fell on my car about a month ago. but for those who know me, they know that i found this large iguana one morning on my car, unintentionally trapped it under my windshield wiper, drove to the gas station in tears and found a nice man to help me and it.

so there are these pretty large white birds that sit on the sides of the road here in florida. well, today i'm driving back to work from lunch and i see two of them chillin. no big deal. until they both decide to fly. the smart one flies up then comes back down. the dumb one flies across the street and then says to itself, "no, i think i'll go back now just slow enough so this honda accord hits me". and so that's what i did. i don't think i killed it, i didn't feel a thud, but there were definitely a lot of ruffled feathers.

i miss the days when i had to scrape ice off my windshield instead of exotic animals. and yes, i realize i am an animal killer.


UPDATE: I HAVEN'T HIT ANYTHING IN A WHILE. KNOCK ON WOOD.

the good stuff (dated 11.26.07)

Before you
I never cared to catch a stare
The butterflies would eventually disappear
In the blink of an eye
Gone with the wind
But the butterflies won't go away
They refuse to go away
When you're here
When you're not
When you manage to push every last button
When you give me those eyes
I melt
The honest way you love me
You're perfect, irritating, amazingly wonderful ways
I melt
I'm better
I'm complete
My heart races
These words could go on forever…


UPDATE: I FEEL THESE FEELINGS EVERY SINGLE DAY, I HOPE IT NEVER LEAVES ME.

bathroom attendants are bound to give me a UTI (dated 10.1.07)

i'll get straight to the point. i hate bathroom attendants. they suck. i didn't ask for you to squirt soap in my hands and then hand me a paper towel. thanks, but i'm fully capable of doing those things myself. and what's with the sign? "please tip me, i'm lame and can't get a real job, but i'm sitting here on my cell phone that i can clearly afford. i suck at life." ok, so it's harsh, but i'm broke too. i'm pretty sure bars don't hire these people, so what the hell man???

another good title to this blog could've been "bathroom attendants cause 68% of spreading bacteria in America." you wouldn't believe how many people i see leave the bathroom without washing their hands to avoid the dreaded attendant. it's gross, but geez, i understand. well fuck you lady, i'm washing my hands. i don't have health insurance and can't afford to get sick with germs i pick up from the freaking nasty bathroom. i'm fighting the power.

so why are they going to cause me to get a UTI (urinary tract infection for those of you not hip to the acronym lingo)? because i'm sick of seeing them, especially after a few drinks. it makes me want to snap. so my solution? i'm not peeing. hence the UTI. and when it happens, i'm taking the money that some suckers gave you in that stupid tray to pay for my hospital bill.

UPDATE: I HAD A FRIEND PASS OUT DRUNK IN A BATHROOM LAST WEEKEND WHERE THERE WAS A BATHROOM ATTENDANT. ANOTHER REASON WHY THEY SUCK.

um, excuse me plum? you suck. (dated 9.12.07)

i was recently told that the fruit in florida sucks. i was told that florida is too good for georigia peaches which makes no sense considering georgia is one state away. my response? "phhhhttttthhhh, whateva! fruit is fruit." FALSE!!!!!! i go to my dear, close to my heart local Publix (boy, did i miss publix) and i mosey on over to the produce section. in an attempt to become more healthy because i live in miami and i'm starting to do yoga and dance again so i don't have to throw up to look good amongst these skinny bitches, i pick up some plums. i thought they looked somewhat malnourished, but i took a couple anyhow and went on my way. as i packed my daily snacks for work this morning i thought, "ooooo, i'll take one of those tiny plums to work and have it before yoga, look at me, i'm so fucking healthy." i get to work and at approximately 12:00 p.m. eastern central time (i totally made that eastern central thing up, i have no idea what that shit even means), i fill my water bottle, wash my plum (if you can even call it that) and take a seat. expecting to take a big bite and have juicy juiciness, to my surprise, the damn thing is hard and not juicy at all. it's bad. i don't like it and i'm angry with florida's shitty produce. so here i am, staring at the core of a shitty plum dreading tomorrow when i have to eat the other shitty plum that is sitting in my kitchen. god help florida if their avocados suck, i will snap.

UPDATE: I HAVEN'T EATEN A FLORIDA PLUM SINCE. THE AVOCADOS ARE GOOD.

my thoughts on processed cheese (dated 7.18.07)

i was just eating my lance wheat crackers with cheddar cheese and thinking to myself, man, i sure do love cheese. but processed cheese is pretty much the shit. it reminds me of how grape candy tastes nothing like grapes. ok, so fake cheese kinda’ tastes like cheese, but you'd be a fool to not notice how much better it is. every time i go to the grocery store i pass by the spray cheese. i look at it, long for it, and then pass it by for two reasons. one, i don't need to get any fatter and two, i'm ashamed of my love for it. well hear me world, i am not ashamed any longer. i would scream it from the mountains if there were any of those near me. I LOVE PROCESSED CHEESE! next time i'm in the store, i will not pass the spray cheese ashamed, i will pass it proud, knowing i love it and knowing that i still don't want to be fatter than i am.

how do you know (dated 5.22.07)

this will be my sappy, feel sorry for myself blog of the month, maybe week, who knows. when does the point come that you know you are ready to move on? when does that moment come where you look at yourself and realize something needs to be done to make yourself happy. how do you do it? how do you get the courage to not only face the people that surround you, but look at yourself in the mirror and say, "something's got to change." when do you know you love someone? at what point do you become willing to give part of yourself and give up some of things you keep holding on to and finally become unselfish because you realize love is one of the most important things in life?

i ask because i don't know any of the answers as to why i feel how i do at this point in my life. nothing seems to make much sense and i'm sure there are other people out there who feel the same way. i wonder often if i'm ready to move on with a lot of things. am i subconsciously holding on to my past relationship for fear that if i really let go all the way, i'll miss out on something? for fear that if i finally say, "i don't love you anymore" that person may come back and realize they made a big mistake when it is already too late? i guess i don't know if i'm just saying i'm over it or if i really am. since my brain forced him into my dreams last night, i guess a part of him is still there. i would love to know i'm just waiting for closure, but there is no way of knowing that for sure. the one thing i do know is that i am ready to move on. i'm ready to be free from the useless hope i hold for this useless person.

change never used to scare me. now it freaks the hell out of me. this is the first time i have no idea what i'm doing or what's going to happen tomorrow. it kills me to know there's nothing planned. i've done the "something needs to change" phase. i just don't know where to start. how many chances does one person take?

do you take those chances to move somewhere because of potential love and happiness? i don't know when i grew up and wanted to get married. i don't know when i stopped thinking about only myself. i don't know if i'm forcing it. i can go from one hundred to zero as far as liking someone. i can fall in five seconds flat. and then fall right back into nothing just as fast. i'm beginning to think i'm looking for the impossible. and then i realize i'm trying to hard. i need to calm down and just take those chances because i'm young and have many years to make stupid mistakes.

so this brings me to the fact that i might do something stupid in the next few months. i might go somewhere to see if something works out with someone who i could hate tomorrow. i could take a job because they offered me a shit ton of money and then be miserable. i could do anything because for all the unanswered questions there are experiences you cannot let pass you by. that person you go to live near could be the one and that job you go after could teach you a valuable lesson or become the stepping stone to greatness. you never know.


UPDATE: YOU JUST KNOW, TRUST ME. AND THIS MOVE HAS BEEN ONE OF THE BEST DECISIONS OF MY LIFE.

two problems, sex and my toilet (dated 5.10.07)

i'll start with the toilet. i have a tendency to clog toilets. gross i know. i realize that most guys don't think girls poop, news flash, everybody poops (pick up the book at your local barnes and nobel). this time though, i swear i did not clog it that way. i don't know what the issue is, but every time i try to flush it, the water rises to the top and i frantically run for one of two of my plungers (that's another blog story) and start plunging in fear of it overflowing all over the damn place. thank god i have two bathrooms, but i tell ya, running downstairs in the middle of the night to go pee is not what i want to do. so what the hell do i do? do i call my apartment offices and say "excuse me, i have a toilet situation"? they're totally gonna' think i shat a squirrel and be like grossed out. there's nothing in the toilet, but how freaking embarrassing. any advice is much appreciated.

problem two.....

*this blog had been edited for the fact that my mother may read it some day. sorry mom, there are some things you don't ever need to know about me.*

your keys are in the mail (dated 5.1.07)

going through a break up is tough enough, but i think what's even worse is when there is no closure. i heard somewhere that if a guy doesn't call you in two months, he's not into you...basically get over it.

it's been a little over two months for me, two long months of healing and crying and getting over it and then crying some more and feeling like i'm moving on and then realizing it takes much longer to repair a heart that gave everything it had to someone who could care less. and then i met other people and realized i had friends who loved me more than i knew, who made me feel important and beautiful and everything i tried so hard to get from that one person i thought was my best friend.

i still love him, but there comes a time when you have to take some of that love back and give it to yourself, enough is enough. i've learned that some people are just not born to care about anyone but themselves and their career. and that's ok, but those people also need to realize that and not hurt those around them. the best thing i learned though was how deeply i can care about someone and how lucky that one special someone will be when we meet.

i'm slowly becoming the successful woman i've always wanted to be. my selfish ways got me where i wanted to be and now that that phase is over i'm ready to move on to the next phase where selfish is no longer an option. all the riches in the world are worth nothing without anyone to share it with.

all rambling aside, for you, i loved you more than i ever thought i could love someone. i sacrificed things i never thought i would for anyone. i gave you everything. you gave me the keys to your apartment, begged for me to be with you early on. you used to be a different person. a person who was fun, my best friend who slept on my couch every weekend and shared months of tension with me and cried once in a while making me think there was a chance. i hope you always remember what we had and regret what you lost. you'll never read this, i'm sure, but in a few days you'll get the last thing i have that has been giving me hope that i'll see you again and things will change. stupid, i know...your keys are in the mail.


UPDATE: THIS WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID TO GET OVER SOMETHING. THIS AND DELETING ALL CONTACT. I HIGHLY SUGGEST THIS.

no title 2 (dated 3.21.07)

I can't begin to explain
What it feels like to know
You don't feel
Anything
For anyone
But yourself.

Do you ever look at your life
And realize what you've done
By not caring for
Anything
For anyone
But yourself?

I pray for the day to come
That I'm happier
Happier with
Everything
And with anyone
But you.

no title (dated 2.27.07)

My head isn't understanding
What my heart keeps fighting for.
Nothing makes sense.
Nothing.
I can't be strong for us anymore.

It's hard to control.
Myself.
My life.
My breathing.
I love you.
So easy for you to ignore.
Let me go, let yourself go.
Please just let yourself fall.
I can't be strong for us anymore.

The tears, the pain, the hurt.
I keep searching for answers
That will never exist.
That never have.
God help me before I no longer exist.
My feet can't feel the floor.
I'm about to explode.
I can't be strong.
Not for you.
Not for me.
Not for anyone,
Anything,
Anymore.

now that's what i call music (dated 5.12.06)

just curious, my house and i have been discussing the Now That's What I call Music series. i have a question, who are you and why are you A. still making these CD's and B. why do you get to make the call on what goes on these things. I personally think they should be called Now that’s what i call music that people are going to mock in a few years volumes 1-180. i would be more willing to purchase them because then you’d be telling me something truthful. or maybe even now that’s what i, and the 10-18 year old demographic call music. alright, alright i guiltily pleasure this crap as much as the next, but i don’t have to pay 18.99 + tax to enjoy the hell out of it. i can just download the music, legally of course, and burn all the songs on a disk. come to think about it, I’m gonna’ go ahead and make now that’s what jen t calls somewhat decent yet popular music and sell it for 17.99, no tax. how do you feel about that whoever you are? and by the way, since you’re so powerful, kellynn wants to know what ever happened to mambos number 1-4??? answer that one smarty pants.

this just in: strangers believe i'm bipolar (dated 5.4.06)

so i'm at work last night and this dude that i barely know asked me if i was ok. and i said, "yes, why?" and he says, "no i mean like are you really ok?" and i'm like, "uh yeah, i have cramps but i'll live thank you". he goes, "well it just seems like you're never in the same mood, sometimes up, sometimes down". and so from this i have concluded, i am bipolar. thank you doctor.

new beginnings

so here it is, i'm gonna start blogging again. i blog on myspace and i'm pretty much over that site, but i still love to write and humor people with my...humor. ok, we all know i'm not all that funny, at least i'm not intentionally funny. i went through this blog and erased all the old one's from when i lived in atlanta (except one that i still like to look back at to remind myself how stupid i can be). my life has drastically changed since back then and i couldn't be happier, more confused, more emotional, etc. i realize that is confusing, but i'm an emotional mess at most hours of the days. now that i have a job, the love of my life, and the best friends and family in order, it's time for me to sit back and think about how i can spiritually and mentally calm myself and truly be happy. so, this is what my life is all about now. i find it easier to write than to talk to people, so this is my outlet. sometimes i'll write about stupid stuff, sometimes i'll write about things i don't say out loud because they scare me. here i am safe. my words are my therapy.