how do you know (dated 5.22.07)
this will be my sappy, feel sorry for myself blog of the month, maybe week, who knows. when does the point come that you know you are ready to move on? when does that moment come where you look at yourself and realize something needs to be done to make yourself happy. how do you do it? how do you get the courage to not only face the people that surround you, but look at yourself in the mirror and say, "something's got to change." when do you know you love someone? at what point do you become willing to give part of yourself and give up some of things you keep holding on to and finally become unselfish because you realize love is one of the most important things in life?
i ask because i don't know any of the answers as to why i feel how i do at this point in my life. nothing seems to make much sense and i'm sure there are other people out there who feel the same way. i wonder often if i'm ready to move on with a lot of things. am i subconsciously holding on to my past relationship for fear that if i really let go all the way, i'll miss out on something? for fear that if i finally say, "i don't love you anymore" that person may come back and realize they made a big mistake when it is already too late? i guess i don't know if i'm just saying i'm over it or if i really am. since my brain forced him into my dreams last night, i guess a part of him is still there. i would love to know i'm just waiting for closure, but there is no way of knowing that for sure. the one thing i do know is that i am ready to move on. i'm ready to be free from the useless hope i hold for this useless person.
change never used to scare me. now it freaks the hell out of me. this is the first time i have no idea what i'm doing or what's going to happen tomorrow. it kills me to know there's nothing planned. i've done the "something needs to change" phase. i just don't know where to start. how many chances does one person take?
do you take those chances to move somewhere because of potential love and happiness? i don't know when i grew up and wanted to get married. i don't know when i stopped thinking about only myself. i don't know if i'm forcing it. i can go from one hundred to zero as far as liking someone. i can fall in five seconds flat. and then fall right back into nothing just as fast. i'm beginning to think i'm looking for the impossible. and then i realize i'm trying to hard. i need to calm down and just take those chances because i'm young and have many years to make stupid mistakes.
so this brings me to the fact that i might do something stupid in the next few months. i might go somewhere to see if something works out with someone who i could hate tomorrow. i could take a job because they offered me a shit ton of money and then be miserable. i could do anything because for all the unanswered questions there are experiences you cannot let pass you by. that person you go to live near could be the one and that job you go after could teach you a valuable lesson or become the stepping stone to greatness. you never know.
UPDATE: YOU JUST KNOW, TRUST ME. AND THIS MOVE HAS BEEN ONE OF THE BEST DECISIONS OF MY LIFE.
i ask because i don't know any of the answers as to why i feel how i do at this point in my life. nothing seems to make much sense and i'm sure there are other people out there who feel the same way. i wonder often if i'm ready to move on with a lot of things. am i subconsciously holding on to my past relationship for fear that if i really let go all the way, i'll miss out on something? for fear that if i finally say, "i don't love you anymore" that person may come back and realize they made a big mistake when it is already too late? i guess i don't know if i'm just saying i'm over it or if i really am. since my brain forced him into my dreams last night, i guess a part of him is still there. i would love to know i'm just waiting for closure, but there is no way of knowing that for sure. the one thing i do know is that i am ready to move on. i'm ready to be free from the useless hope i hold for this useless person.
change never used to scare me. now it freaks the hell out of me. this is the first time i have no idea what i'm doing or what's going to happen tomorrow. it kills me to know there's nothing planned. i've done the "something needs to change" phase. i just don't know where to start. how many chances does one person take?
do you take those chances to move somewhere because of potential love and happiness? i don't know when i grew up and wanted to get married. i don't know when i stopped thinking about only myself. i don't know if i'm forcing it. i can go from one hundred to zero as far as liking someone. i can fall in five seconds flat. and then fall right back into nothing just as fast. i'm beginning to think i'm looking for the impossible. and then i realize i'm trying to hard. i need to calm down and just take those chances because i'm young and have many years to make stupid mistakes.
so this brings me to the fact that i might do something stupid in the next few months. i might go somewhere to see if something works out with someone who i could hate tomorrow. i could take a job because they offered me a shit ton of money and then be miserable. i could do anything because for all the unanswered questions there are experiences you cannot let pass you by. that person you go to live near could be the one and that job you go after could teach you a valuable lesson or become the stepping stone to greatness. you never know.
UPDATE: YOU JUST KNOW, TRUST ME. AND THIS MOVE HAS BEEN ONE OF THE BEST DECISIONS OF MY LIFE.
posted by Jen at 1:14 PM
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